GLOG class: Goblin Whisperer

 I originally came up with the concept of a Goblin Whisperer as I was playing Ex Novo with the intent of creating locations for the frankenstein of a setting I am currently working on. I presented my idea to Mihau from the Meadows of Reality blog and he suggested I'll make a glog class out of it. I considered it, said that it's too much work and went back to looking through my giant pile of modules and zines looking for more setting bits and a system I would like to use. I eventually decided on making a White Box hack, and, while I was brainstorming ideas for changes I would like to make to the original system, Mihau's words came back to me and I randomly decided to make this GLOG class. Most ideas were stolen from either "Pact" by Wildbow (which is an amazing web novel that you should totally read) and Mihau, whom I barraged with questions for the entire day, while writing this (sorry Mihau ;c). The entire thing was tied together using my terrible writing and absolute lack of any understanding how GLOG works at all. It's a little longer than I wanted it to be, doesn't have some features I wanted to include (rip to the beefy goblification mechanics), includes way too much rolling for my liking and may be very underpowered in the end, so I'd say it went pretty well for my first adventure with GLOGhackin and is not the worst material for my first blog post. Now that we have this overly long self-depracating preface out of the way, I hope you enjoy.


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You are a GOBLIN WHISPERER, a Jackson Galaxy looking stinky weirdo in dirty clothes, who swears a lot and is always surrounded by a group of short green-skinned individuals, who shank people and monsters on command.


Before you choose this class you should probably message your gm and tell them exactly this: "bucko, I sure fucking hope there will be a buttload of goblins in this fucking campaign or else Imma be totally fucking useless and you can be damn sure I'll come to ya house and trash your malmsey fuckhole of a face so hard your mama won't even be able to recognize you, you detestable shit-lick". If they still decide on not blessing their setting with the absolute best of gifts that are goblins, you should consider leaving, because a campaign without goblins is clearly not worth playing.


Skills: Depending on your method of charming goblins, choose one of the following: playing a shitty instrument, writing official documents, binding or grappling.


Started equipment: 1 of the following goblin charming implements of your choice: 1 musical instrument; quill and lots of paper; 30 feet long silver chain. You also get 2 sets of mildly dirty clothes.


Templates:

A: Goblin Whispering, +1 Goblin Slot

B: Goblin Swear Words, +1 Goblin Slot

C: Goblin Summoning, +1 Goblin Slot

D: Goblin Familiar, +2 Goblin Slots


Goblin Whispering

Is a very old practice of charming goblins using one of various available methods. You can choose whichever practice suits your character and the setting they're in best. Some people break will playing sick tunes on musical instruments, others write soul binding pacts, some just strangle a goblin with a silver chain until it agrees to join their pack. Remember, that once you agree on your binding method with the game master, you should stay consistent and not change it on the fly. Mechanically speaking, whenever you try to charm a goblin, it needs to make a save with a penalty equal to your empty Goblin Slots. You can only try to use Goblin Whispering thrice a day, you can't try to break the same goblin to your will twice and you can't use Goblin Whispering on goblins that are already under the effect of another mind control effect. The amount of charmed goblins you have needs to be less or equal to your Goblin Slots (you start with 1 and then get them according to the templates list above) and, if you ever try to charm a goblin without any free Goblin Slots left, a random goblin from your pack breaks loose and immediately attacks you or runs away, whichever would be more fitting for it's personality. By default, charmed goblins can't level up and are permanently stuck on whatever level they were on when you first charmed them. After you charm a goblin, it will have to follow all of your instructions, but the more evil ones can try to do malicious things to you and yours, if the instructions aren't clear enough. If you ever loose consciousness, a random goblin from your pack breaks loose and attacks the party or escapes. If you ever die, all of your goblins break loose and attack random nearby enemies or escape.


Goblin Swear Words

Over the years goblins became so proficient at swearing, that, if they scream an obscenity vile enough, they can alter reality itself. By spending too much time around goblins, you also picked up some of those good ol' Goblin Swear Words. You can try to learn a new Goblin Swear Word every time you charm a new goblin. In order to do that, roll a 1d6:

On a 1: The goblin will teach you a Goblin Swear Word, but you will have to pay greatly for it. (Roll 3 times on the Price Table (reroll repeats) and 1 time on the Swear Word Table. You can decline the offer, but still have to pay at least one rolled Price, or the goblin will get angry that you're bothering it and may potentially rebel in the future).

On a 2-3: The goblin is willing to teach you a new Goblin Swear Word, but it'll offer an unfair price for it. (Roll 2 times on the Price Table (reroll repeats) and 1 time on the Swear Word Table. You can decline the offer, but still have to pay at least one rolled Price, or the goblin will get angry that you're bothering it and may potentially rebel in the future).

On a 4-5: The goblin is either fond or scared of you enough, that it doesn't feel like getting under your skin. It offers a Goblin Swear Word and a pretty reasonable Price (roll 1 time on the Price Table and 1 time on the Swear Word Table. You may decline the offer without suffering any consequences).

On a 6: Wow, this goblin must either really love you or be absolutely terrified of you. Alas, nothing is free in this word, so it still requires a payment of sorts (roll 1 time on the Price Table and 2 times on the Swear Word Table. You may decline the offer without suffering any consequences).

While Goblin Swear Words may be very useful, they're also quite dangerous and may lead to deterioration of body and soul, if overused. You can use 1 Goblin Swear Word a day without suffering any consequences. Every usage of them past that will require you to make a 1d6 roll. On a 2-6, the Swear Word works without you suffering any backlash. On a 1, the Swear Word still works, but you either permanently get -1 to an ability score of your choosing OR you accidently release a random charmed goblin.


Swear Word Table (1d12)

There is no upper limit on how many Swear Words you may learn. If you roll a Swear Word you already learned in the past, sorry bucko, the goblin just scammed you. You suffered the Price and gained nothing. Life sure is a bitch, eh?

1.You uneducated filthy shitcrumb! - target one creature. The target makes a save. On a fail, they forget how to perform the last action they made for 1d6 minutes. The forgotten action may range from anything like swinging a sword to even breathing on their own. 

2.You have cock juice for brains and a fuckhole for your face! - target one creature or self. You change the intelligence, wisdom and charisma stats of the target to their additive inverses (1 to -1, -2 to 2 and so on) for one hour. Should be reflected in the way the gm or you roleplays said creature.

3.You jizzmuffin eating shit spiting dumb swine! - target one creature. The target suddenly feels an inexplicable need to eat one object chosen by you, no matter how dangerous it may seem.

4.Shit penis fuck! - you can jump into the nearest filthy surface and reemarge from any other filthy surface within 120 feet instantly. Can carry items, but not creatures.

5.Yo mama is a cheap ass bimbo whore! - target one creature. The target makes a save. On a fail, they go into an unstoppable rage and attack the closest targets for 1d6 turns. The target must scream something along the lines of "MY MAMA IS NOT A CHEAP ASS BIMBO" after every attack.

6.Your shitnubbin' waste of penis goo! - target one creature, object or self. If the creature is unwilling, it can make a save. On a fail, you can cover the target's body in a layer of filth of your choosing. Can be used to great effect for camouflage, but also makes the target seem extremely off-putting to any living creatures and takes 1d6 hours to fully clean.

7.I will jam this piece of shit back up your ass where it came from! - you reflect anything coming your way back from where it came from. Can be used as an reaction to attacks, but you need to scream the swear word before the damage is revealed, because the phrase is way too long to start screaming it when the enemy's attack has already connected. Also, come on, using it on attacks is boring. Game the system, don't be a loser.

8.You empty-headed cock wombling ass-hooper! - target one creature, object or self. If unwilling, the creature may make a save. On a fail, they change into a pile of filth of your choice for 1 minute. The pile can't move or talk, but it has 360 degrees of vision. After the minute passes, you change into the same pile of filth for the same amount of time without a chance to save. 

9.Calm your cuntflaps bugger! - target one creature. Every filthy item in the room you are in suddenly flies in the direction of the target's head. Everyone in the way of the items must make a save or get hit and suffer appropriate damage.

10.Jizzbreathing fucking twats! - target one creature or self. If the target is unwilling, it may make a save. The target can sense the breathing of every creature within 150 feet for 5 minutes, but they can also smell all of their horrible breaths, which makes them slightly light-headed and divides 1 from all of their rolls.

11.Dickcheese smelling smeghead! - the room in which you are is suddenly filled with a strong unbearable smell, which makes it impossible for everyone but goblins to breathe. 

12.Eat antelope shit and die jerk! - target one creature. The target makes a save. On a fail, they perform one dangerous, but not obviously suicidal action.


Price Table (2d8)

2."A lot of booze". If you ask the goblin to clarify how much booze is a lot of booze, it just repeats again, slightly more irritated "A. Lot. Of. Booze". It drinks half of what you provide, spills the other half looking you straight in the eyes and considers the payment done.

3."A new tooth". The goblin will accept any teeth and anything that may potentially work as teeth, if you prove it's quality first. It puts the tooth somewhere in it's mouth, gives you a wide smile and considers the payment done. 

4."Your socks". It's not a house elf, so it won't gain freedom, if you were to gift it your socks, but walking without socks is really fucking uncomfortable, so it's still a great shame. Once a sock is provided, it considers the payment done and will give you a smug smile and show off it's new socks every time you walk through difficult terrain.

5."Lotsa money!". You don't actually know what goblins consider as "lotsa money". May be anything between 1 copper and 300 gold. Once the payment is provided, the goblin walks away to hide it, immediately forgets the hiding spot and considers the payment done.

6."Your armor. Or weapon. Either works". The goblin immediately breaks the thing and then throws it away somewhere from where you'll never recover it. It laughs at you as you buy new gear and considers the payment done. 

7."Hair. All of them". The goblin obviously means your hair. It forces you to shave your head and then bullies you for the shape of your skull. If you were already bald, the goblin just looks at you in silence, says something along the lines of "I didn't think this through" and considers the payment done.

8."A love letter!". The goblin smiles with glee as it forces you to write the most sincere love letter, reads it back to you, bullies you and then eats it. Once the love letter fills it's stomach, it considers the payment done.

9."Let's go watch a show or somethin'". The goblin forces you to take it to some kind of show, be it a play in a theatre or an open mic night in the local pub. It acts incredibly obnoxious throughout the entire thing, irritating everyone in the crowd. Everyone thinks the goblin is your child or something, so they complain to you afterwards. The goblin watches you getting yelled at and considers the payment done.

10."Your best memory!". The goblin can't actually take your memories. It just forces you to recall them and mocks you throughout. The story seems to be extremely funny to it and the payment is considered done.

11."A tattoo" it says "not for me tho" it clarifies as it forces you to come up with and get the most emberassing tattoo ever. It laughs at you as you're rethinking your life choices after the procedure and considers the payment done.

12."A cat!". The pet disappears after a week or so. The goblin never clarifies what happened to it. You will spend countless hours thinking what horrible things may have happened to it. Watching you trying to figure it out, the goblin considers the payment done. 

13."I dunno, break your finger or something, it'll be funny". Suffer whatever damage gm thinks is appropriate. Your finger will heal on it's own in 3 weeks. For now, the payment is considered done.

14."Beat someone up". Once you bring the victim (whoever they might be and whether they deserved it or not) to the ground, the goblin considers the payment done.

15."Break something, like, valuable". The goblin wants to see you break 1d6 objects of value, that belong to you, your companions or anyone important. Once the last object is destroyed, the payment is done.

16."Destroy one magical object". The goblin understand the value of magical items and it wants to see one of them in pieces. Once the destruction process is done, so is the payment.


Goblin Summoning

You can now summon 1d4 goblins by making a magic circle out of any filthy material you have at disposal. The process takes about 30 minutes and you have to harm your hand for 1 hp during it, to lure the goblins with your blood. At the end of the ritual, the slime covered goblins emerge from the filth. There is no guarantee that the summoned goblins will follow your directions. You can try to charm the goblins using Goblin Whispering, if you wish to.


Goblin Familiar

You can now name one of your goblins as your Goblin Familiar. The Goblin Familiar is basically a character of it's own. It doesn't take up a Goblin Slot. Unlike other goblins, it can level up and you can choose whichever class you think is appropriate for it. The Goblin Familiar gets +2 to it's attack and damage rolls if it's fighting in your defence. It will no longer wish to make you harm, like other goblins. With your Familiar's help you are now able to use 2 Goblin Swear Words a day without suffering any consequences. You can only choose a new Goblin Familiar, after the previous one dies.

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